i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
