we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need a burrito and a hug.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
