I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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