Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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