remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
