Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
