i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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