Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
