"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
