look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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