That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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