now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
