end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
