The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize