Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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