I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
