; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
