see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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