i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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