Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize