If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
