i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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