and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
