Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
