Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
