On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am naked and annoyed.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
