I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
