I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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