Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
