This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
