I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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