i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
