So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
