remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
