the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
