Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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