Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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