so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
