You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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