mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
