I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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