I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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