I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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