Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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