Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
