i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
