her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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