True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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