i jhust puked up my retainher.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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