My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize