I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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