there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
