They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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