were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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