Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
