Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
