you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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