I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
