Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
