Where is the hickey?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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