This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
