His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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