Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
