So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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