At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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