All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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