I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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