Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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